Kerrang! Tour 2009 – Part The Second.

So, as it turns out, someone at the other end messed up whilst organising the whole evening, so I never actually made it into the show since there was no ticket or Guestlist for me. Annoying? To say the least!! I could go on a large rant about it, but where would be the point?

INSTEAD, I have decided to focusing my energy into writing a review (of sorts) of the night as to how I think it would have gone down. I say that, this is actually just a list of stuff that MAY have happened:

1) In Case Of Fire, already being a very bass heavy band, accidentally turn their bass amp all the way up to 11. This proves far too much for the foundations of the Southampton Guildhall to take, and the whole building comes crashing down, making it the biggest tragedy in music since the Lynyrd Skynyrd plane crash.

2) Mindless Self Indulgence, being short one Lyn-Z bassist due to pregnancy, decide to not bother with the show tonight and go out for a takeaway instead. As such, Black Tide are asked to fill in for them and play an hour long set, instead of a 15 minute one, to which they agree. They come on, play their set, and manage to completely blow the entire crowd into a coma due to their sheer awesomeness.

3) Bring Me The Horizoncome on stage 10 minutes early for their set, which means that none of their mics are turned on for their first song. Oli Sykes only realises this when hear can’t hear himself through the monitors, notifies the soundman who then turns them on, only for it to be so loud that he gets blown back into the drum kit, and has to perform the rest of the set from inside the bass drum.

4) In Case Of Fire, being the first band on for the night, only play to half the crowd as the rest of them are outside being lead in through the doors single file (this is genuinely likely to happen). They realise they are playing to 2000 mental, hyperactive, ADD-riddled greebo teenagers in neon clothing and crazy amounts of hairspray, and think to themselves “this is not really our niche audience for our music”. They promptly leave the stage, and take Black Tide down the pub to introduce them to the concept of Guinness (this, less so).

5) Half way through Dir en grey’s set, their lead singer starts to sing a very emotional song, and does his usual act of gouging his body. Unfortunately, what no-one notices is that one of the stage hands is carrying a meat hook, which Kyo grabs and sticks into his shoulder, causing him to be immediately rushed to A + E. The audience, however, thought he put on a great show, and gets a standing ovation from everyone – even the people who were outside having a smoke at the time.

6) MSI arrive on stage a bit late for their set, so to make it up to their fans, they bring onstage the entire midget cast of the hit TV show Fort Boyard to perform a free-form, alternative jazz/rave number with them. Jimmy Urine, being of a nervous disposition tonight due to the fact that he’s running low on hairspray and not wearing his shiniest of shiny suits, suffers a near fatal faint at the sheer magnitude of craziness around him, and falls into the audience, impaling people on his hair. 7 people from the audience never made it home.

7) See most of the above, but instead, he gets so uplifted by whats going on he feels compelled to throw himself into the audience to attempt a crowd-surf, but then falls pray to the audience and he proceeds to be molested by 1000 hyperactive, neon-coated teenage girls. He is later taken into custody for rape, after one girl filed a biased report of the events that occurred.

8) Dir en grey and Bring Me The Horizon Hi-jack the entire tour and hold the other bands for ransom. They eventually let Black Tide free, but only to go and get them tea and biscuits, and because they’re quote “not a bad bunch of blokes” end quote.

9) Black Tide play such an awesome set to their audience, they invite In Case Of Fire to come and play a mind-altering duo set with them. In Case Of Fire are so excited by this, they try and make it the best show ever, and quickly rig a set of pyrotechnics to the stage. Not realising quite how much flammable hair product is contained within the building this evening, they release the pyrotechnics resulting in the entire audience being set alight from the scalp to the shoulder. Black Tideinstantly regret inviting them on stage, and as an apology offer to pay the entire audiences plastic surgery bills.

10) Bring Me The Horizon are unable to play their set, due to ferocious hangovers. Instead, Stevie Wonder is brought in to replace them. The night is a completely unforeseen success.

Anyway, thats pretty much a run down of how things MIGHT have happened. If they didn’t, I’m sorry to have painted such a vivid picture (to a certain extent). If they did, I’m even more annoyed that I missed it! So, maybe next time there might be a proper review/interview to be posted here, but for now this might just have to do!


1 Comment

  1. IMHO Dir En Grey are the best J-rock band around. J-rock guitarists also have the coolest guitars!

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